can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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