Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
