apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
