The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
