Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
