I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
