We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
