I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
