$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two words: blizzard sex
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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