Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
