awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
