He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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