$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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