We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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