So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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