ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
