if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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