My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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