I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
