i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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