Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
