you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
