dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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