I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
