How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
