Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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