i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
