I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
