i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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