Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
