I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
