Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
