whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
