I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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