he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
