i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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