I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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