you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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