I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
