Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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