Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
