dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Someone came in the potted fern
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
