My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
