I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
