Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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