She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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