I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
