Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
