I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
