That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
