I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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