don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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