Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
