I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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