I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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