2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
